I am not sure if you have read some of my story, it was quite some time ago when I finally wrote a little bit about it, it is still hard for me to recount even though it is part of my testimony and a tool to help others be reconciled. I will do a brief retell, I feel it may be important to this post to see where I am coming from and how challenging this has been for me on my journey and how far I still have to grow.
Before I accepted Christ as my personal Savior and dedicated my life to Him, I was actively practicing new age in all its sub categories _all_ mhm, it was a progressive thing, it started out light and fluffy, I was vulnerable and looking for healing from a Bipolar diagnosis at the time.
One thing that I have to explain is that in new age practices we were called intuitive's so that meant tapping into our feelings and living life based on what our "gut" was telling us, there is no truth in this way of life just what you feel, when you feel it no matter how irrational or wrong it is, and you practice and hone that skill of listening to your feelings every day.
I was coming undone in the new age for a while and became very angry and
felt that what we were doing was not right but I didn't know what to do
with that, it felt increasingly wrong but I had never had friends like that before, they were not "good" friends, but they said all the alluring things that made me feel euphorically wonderful about myself and accepted unconditionally, it became like a drug.
I am not void of responsibility at all and I never will be, I
became co-dependent like an addict, a burning ball of anger, highly judgmental and snappy and eventually had disdain for them as new age practitioners and as people, suffice it to say we had a
severe fall out, thank God Almighty, because I would not be where I am today had
it not happened exactly the way it did.
New age or can sometimes be called the Occult sucked me in and sucked me dry emotionally, financially and our marriage broke down almost beyond repair not to mention my mothering suffered. I was in a very dark and even more vulnerable place than before, trapped and broken with no hope at all, yet it is with so much gratitude to my Father in Heaven who called out my name, reached in to my heart and decided I was worth saving.
I became a new creation in the Lord, praise Him, born again, all of my past being forgiven and I reconciled with my Father through the blood of Jesus Christ....I smile with a heart full of gratitude just writing that, I am abundantly blessed and feel so genuinely loved and treasured beyond anything I have ever felt before.
It has been just over a year since I was violently released from that life of sin and depravity, I do credit it some to my Grandma's Bible study group who were fervently praying for me while I was in bondage, I wasn't told until after I had told my Grandma that I was free, we both cried with joy.
I have not spoken to the people involved since then, out of embarrassment probably, I was a bit of wretch, I genuinely thought I was a good person and was quite shocked to find I wasn't seen that way. I am not a horrible person and I never set out to hurt anyone, but it inevitably happens when sin is let run wild, people implode on each other that is the law of this fallen world.
I personally do not want anything to do with them, we all hurt each other in one way or another, whether it be with leading each other equally deeper into depravity, hurtful words or just trust that was broken. They as far as I know are still active in the new age, while I have forgiven them and pray for their salvation, I do not want them as a part of my life.
I have seen glimpses of them passing in cars, but have not seen them face to face. In the beginning even when I saw their car I would feel very ill to the stomach and would fall in and out of guilt at how I treated them and anger at how I was treated by them. I would say to Scott, really out of a town of ten thousand people why do I have to see them, we should move far far away and bury this embarrassment in a vault never to be spoken of again.
Of course that would bring no glory to God, who is well deserving. I started reading a book on forgiveness that was in the welcome pack of the Church when I first started attending not long after being saved, and then and there I gave it to God, let go and confessed out loud that I forgave them for what they were responsible for, I then asked for forgiveness for what I was responsible for and help in repenting.
For a time I felt liberated and only had minor stomach churning upon seeing them passing in the street or in the car, and every time I saw them I again gave my heart to God and reaffirmed that I forgive them their responsibility, prayed for their salvation and just checked in to make sure that I had not fallen into unforgiveness, I don't know if that can happen but I wasn't taking any chances.
Maybe it can happen when you lament and dwell on past experiences that were especially hurtful defining. While God may forgive us and cast it in to the sea of forgetfulness, the enemy says oh that's a keeper to smack you in the heart with when you least expect it. I like to recommit my heart to the Lord because it is so easy to bend towards sin and step out of the protection of God and I want to remain alert and covered.
The other day Rory and I were up the shops and we were just going on our usual date, life as normal, nothing to report here, until I was standing at a counter waiting to be served and then without warning it happened.....
My whole body turned to jelly, my confidence in life struck down by a mack truck force, hands shaking, heart thumping and not being able to swallow all because I 'thought' I heard a familiar voice, who could have also been a twin sister of one of the girls in looks as well, it wasn't.
I don't know what happened but my feelings went into complete meltdown, and even when I found that it wasn't even one of them, it took a while to calm down, it was a big shock to my body and flung me straight into prayer mode.... Lord guide me, comfort me, give me the right words and heart attitude... at least I have stepped up from guilt/anger mode, I love progress, that is life a sanctification progress.
I didn't talk to Scott about it, I just let myself calm down and tried no to dwell in it or explode as a result of it. The next day I began my day as usual and hopped in the shower where I love to praise the Lord and communicate through spirit (tongues) and just be in relationship with Him, it is peaceful in there.
I said to God.... I don't understand.....I forgive them, I really felt it in my spirit, I asked for your forgiveness, I really felt that in my spirit too.... I have repented and am now spending my life growing and encouraging people to grow in the Lord... am I missing something or am I just dwelling here and losing sight of Kingdom work that I have been called to do.
I then said Father, I forgive *names* for any wrong doing of their own heart attitude and life of sin or in reaction to my being a wretch, I recommit myself to Your ways and I am incredibly grateful for You saving me and covering me in Your grace, thank you that Jesus atoned for my sin and I am no longer a slave to sin, ahhh big breath out.
I continued in to tongues and after some time thought, _what if_ my feelings are lying, what if they are feelings of flesh? Furrowed eyebrows and deep though....what if I think about my very limited scripture knowledge and ask for truth from the Holy Spirit on this one and test it against the living word of God, that will sort it out once and for all.
All I could think about was
“The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9 I had to look it up because I know the words but not the reference, but that was the scripture that spoke truth to me about whether I should trust my feelings.
My heart was telling me one thing but I now trust God and remembered this “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened". Matthew 7:7-8 Again I had to look for the reference to what I remembered but I had thought of the things I asked and knew that in truth it had been done, finished.
There it was.... the truth against a lie, scripture against the enemy. I knew right then and there that my feelings on this could not be trusted and even though it was a very short time period it kept me from my Kingdom work. I am completely excited that I am building the armor of God in my life and renewing my mind every day for battle.
There are somethings that I am learning from this, they are hard but with God on my side and hard work from me, they are achievable and will grow me in my relationship with the Lord and I will be better prepared to be the hands and feet of Jesus wherever he needs me.
One: I must let go of my fractured perception of what I practiced during that time of my life because it is holding me back now in listening to the Holy Spirit which is completely different, as I am under the protection of God who is the Holy Spirit and have been blessed with several copies of the living word to disarm the enemy. I will not be so easily fooled now that I have the truth to back me up.
Two: Eventually, I may have to witness to these lost women..... I honestly dread it, because new age has such a strong hold on those who are trapped in it, regardless I need to prepare myself just in case God needs me anyway, they a lost and
I always have on my heart "I say to you that likewise there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine just persons who need no repentance" Luke 15:7. It may never be in His plan for me to bring them to Christ but I can certainly show them Jesus and what He has done for me.
Three: I may be wrong, but I believe that God is the only one with the authority to truly forgive sins through the blood of Jesus Christ and whilst it is tempting to seek forgiveness from these women, they cannot give it to me any may decide not to anyway and I feel that me seeking it from them could turn them away from Christ because they might see anything that I do as trying to ease my conscience, remembering they are still slave to sin and serving the enemy not God. That is just an idle thought that may not mean much, but it is where I am at right now.
I am a baby Christian so I have a lot of growth in store for me, I have come so far in my walk with the Lord over the last year and a bit and am excited to grow even deeper and closer to Him. There a things in life that can either defeat you or humble you and I feel like what I have been through has humbled me and I just hope that someone out there types new age in to the search engine and comes across this, it is always a real possibility that we should not discount as a follower who has been called to blog for God.
Huge post I know, I appreciate your dedication if you read the whole way through he he he, it is deep and loooong but I really felt I needed to write it maybe just as a confession that I deal with the flesh and sin every day like my brother and sisters in Christ and I am slowly persevering and choosing to serve God and not the past or sin or guilt, and I will be choosing every moment of every day of my life to take up my cross and follow Jesus because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13
